Abuse
Resources
Basic InformationMore InformationLatest NewsQuestions and Answers
BipolarShould I Put up With Abuse And Morbid Jealousy?I Can't control my Mind Anymore, do I Need to Leave?Multiple Sex Abuse as a ChildSexual Abuse, What Should I do Now?Abusive Adult ChildStep-Daughter is Deliberately AbusiveSelf Hate Why Do I like Being Abused?How To Get Over It?Does My Boyfriend Have a Personality Disorder?Do I Suffer From Depression?I Am Wondering What Could be Wrong With Me?Personality Disorder Symptoms??Past Following me For the WorseDelusional JealousyAlcohol and ChangeSecond MarriageHow Can I Move Past This- A Question for StaffThe Marriage Corner: How Can I Move Past This?I am Only 26 Years OldI Feel Like a Complete Waste of a Human LifeBipolar Disorder and False and Displaced Memories?Is There Any Hope For Me, or am I Destined to be Damaged?Extreme BehaviorHow to Convince my Wife to Seek HelpI Just Feel So Depressed Should I Fight For My Marriage?Insecure DangerHe Says I'm Ignorant , Being a MoronPOCDParent Abuse and My Resulting Disorders?Will my Boyfriend Eventually Hit me?Is He a Narcissist?Can This Ever Change??Need AdviceDaughter In Abusive MarriageI Think My Husband Hates MeHelp!!!Will He Hit Me Eventually? My Fiance May Have a Sexual, Nude Photo AddictionIs This Abuse and What Should I Do?Please Help Me!How To Help My SonWorthlessI Want To Die!I Was Living Two Lives. Controlling Husband Who Cheated Several TimesDo I Have Bipolar Disorder?Afraid of Breaking Family ApartIs Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Curable? Delusional and Morbid Jealousy?I Don't Know Anymore. Please Help.Insane JealousyAm I In Danger?Sexual Abuse and Its Effects on Relationships AfterwardsSociopath or Sociopath-like Product of My Environment?Is She Mentally Ill?Narcissistic StepfatherWill the abuse still continue?AngerSexual issues with husbandHelpShould I Switch Therapists? Sara, Nov. 4, 2008Did I push them too much?Violent/murderous sexual fantasiesIs it my fault that I was sexually abused? Did it make me gay?I am really worried about my mental health (19yr old female)Is It Abuse? - Erin - Jun 24th, 2008My boss asked me about my sex life and im only 16.. please read!Abusive Relationshipabuse survivorI believe my husband sexually abused my daughter and is at risk for doing the same to my grandchildren. What should I do now?Why do I beat myself up over what they think?Is it my fault if my family falls apart after he cheats?Living with boyfriend - Am I dealing with one person or two?This guy I bullyCan he be changed?Münchhausen Disorder 'biproxy' (by Proxy)I get paralysed and cant do anythingHow do I keep my conduct disordered step-son from molesting my children?Rape victim who cuts and engages in BDSM to self-punish asks, 'Why am I like this?'cycle of abuse, but no apologiesFeel like I'm trappedFather is abusing and controlling my motherHow can I change my life?how to overcome sexual abuseviolent brotherSelf esteemHow to help a loved one who sees no problemHealthy sexuality not instinctual for me after abusive situationsi don't know if this is abuseafter verbal abuse19 year old daughter in abusive relationshipForgotten or just ignored?Domestic ViolenceIs this Schizophrenia?How to Deal with the Loss of Familyabout my childhood and why I am like this, but what can I do to changeDid I Love my husband and still abuse him emotionallyWhat is wrong with me?What Would This Be?A Request for HelpAdult ChildrenIs there a difference between abuse and trauma?Regret my decision every single dayHe has hit me on a few occasions ...Need to find a reason for the abuseI'm a cutter and can't remember anythingHow Does Childhood Abuse Influence Adulthood?Abusive Older SisterAbusive MotherKilling Myself In His KitchenFear Of Remembering ThingsViolent SisterAbuse Warning SignsBest Way To Deal With Verbal AbuseMy RoommateA Mean, Verbally Abusive WomanConfused While Leaving An Abusive RelationshipPossibly Molested DaughterStill SufferingAbusive FatherWhat Abuse Looks Like #2Are Battered Women Mentally Ill?Recognizing Verbal AbuseDissociates When IntimateAre Bipolars Abusive?Daughter's Violent MarriageDefinition Of Being BeatenThe Aftermath of AbuseThe Goal of TherapyHaunted College StudentToxic ParentsAbused WifeAbuse and TraumaNo Desire For Sex 1Mental AbuseLow Self-EsteemIntimacy IssuesAbusive GirlfriendEmotionally Abusive Marriage: What To Do?False PromisesAn Angry HusbandCarol-Ann writes:Laura writes:
LinksBook Reviews
Related Topics

Depression: Major Depression & Unipolar Varieties
Domestic Violence and Rape
Self Esteem
Anger Management

Ask Dr. SchwartzAsk Dr. Schwartz:
Psychotherapy and Mental Health questions

Healthy sexuality not instinctual for me after abusive situations

Mon, Aug 13th 2007

I feel like something is really plain \"wrong\" with me sexually. My first sexual encounter was when I was 14. I had never kissed a boy or knew much about sex - several boys at my school sexually assaulted me and one of them attempted to rape me. Afterwards, I felt confused about what had happened and virtually unprotected by my mother since she was in denial of the seriousness of what had happened. I never saw these boys punished in any way, and was left feeling like less of a victim and more of the problem. I didn\'t understand that what had happened was bad and not normal since no one made this clear, and I ended up befriending the very people who abused me, desperately seeking their approval and acceptance in my confusion. I continued this unhealthy pattern by allowing the boys who pursued me most aggressively to date me, which usually meant not the best of guys. My boyfriends over the years treated me as an object wherein I felt like my core acceptance and only way of receiving love was through providing sex. I never once enjoyed any of this. I felt like this was the only type of sexuality that existed, for it was all that I had ever known. When I saw romantic encounters in movies, I just fell in love with how wonderful it seemed, but didn\'t believe it to be real. I couldn\'t ever understand how any girl could possibly enjoy sex. To me, it has felt painful and like an invasion. In the past, I have chosen to just \'check out\' and feel almost like a robot, doing whatever I think the guy wants and will the encounter over the fastest. Now I am in a healthy and loving relationship and have been married for one year (I am 26 now). I am now realizing how much this pattern has damaged me and I feel extreme difficulty in understanding healthy sex. Despite my attraction and deep love for my husband, I have difficulty with arousal and difficulty not reverting back to old habits of \'acting\' during sex. I want more than anything to know what I am missing out on that everyone else seems to enjoy so much. I want so very much to be able to express my love for my husband in this way. I am left feeling like something is inherently wrong with me and that I just don\'t \"get it.\" I get frustrated and feel like I don\'t know what to do. When he asks me what I \"want\" in a sexual way, I don\'t have the first clue. I don\'t feel like I want anything in that way. All I \"want\" to feel safe and loved. How can I translate these feelings into sexual desire? It is hard for me to understand what sexual desire even IS. The whole subject confuses me so deeply and is causing me such pain. I wish I could go back in time and know how to protect myself, but I didn\'t know how, and no one else stepped in to protect me when I needed it. Now I understand how those guys were bad and abusive, and how my husband is anything BUT that, but I don\'t know how to change my instinctual reactions that make my body tense up and not feel able to enjoy sex. Help!

THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION WILL NOT BE DISPLAYED UNTIL YOU HAVE INDICATED YOUR AGREEMENT WITH THE DISCLAIMER PRINTED JUST BELOW. CLICK THE 'I AGREE' BUTTON TO AGREE TO THESE TERMS AND SEE THE RESPONSE.

Disclaimer

  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
  • Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
  • Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.