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Relationship Questions

Recognizing Verbal Abuse

Wed, Feb 5th 2003

I have been married for 3 years to a man who can be really wonderful. I have learnt through the 4 years of our relationship that he has some very high expectations. on reading through some of your past articles i was able to identify that he often talks to me in what you called "aggressive communication." when he feels i have done something wrong, or am not thinking about something the way that he wants, he gets very verbally aggressive, and puts me down and usually ends his comment by telling that there will be bad consequences. Our relationship is a bit complicated in that there are a few underlying issues. we leant money to my family, and it has not been paid back to us. my husband has no relationship with my parents, and does not talk to one of my uncles. i am very close to my family and the entire situation has put a lot of strain on me, especially because my husband choses to insult my parents to my face. i dont think i have handled that issue well at all, and feel very locked in because of it. i have been made to feel that it was my fault that we got into that situation, which was not the case. i think one of the bigger problems is that i am not satisfied in our relationship at all, sexually and otherwise. my husband doesn't seem to care about these things at all. the few times that i have tried to voice them, i get told that my concerns are all nonsense. its like what i say can't be true if he doesn't believe it or think it. its not that he is extremely dominant, he isn't. he won't make any big purchases or anything without consulting me, and he always asks me if i think something is ok or not. he always consults me with his plans, playing golf etc, and he does want to know if it suits me etc. etc. but on what i see as the larger issues, sexual, family etc. he doesn't seem to even want to consider my feelings. i have pointed out somethings to him on the sexual side of things but i have found that he forgets about it as quickly as he was told. as to family issues etc. we dont mention them much, but my husband also has not seen my family in quite some time. i go up and see them myself. i see his family as often as he does. (they live much further away.) i have a few friends that i have spoken to about my problems, and they all seem to think that my husband treats me very badly and aren't sure why i am with at all. i used to be able to say i love him, but i am no longer sure of anything anymore. i wonder all the time how i can get out of the relationship, but the other part of me doesn't want to. i should mention now that i used to be a very confident, self-assured person. i'm a lot less so at the moment. i know that i can survive very well on my own, but when i think about not being with my husband, it makes me ache inside, and i'm not really sure how to interpret that. i can say quite honestly that i know myself very well, and i know what i need, but as you can tell from this rambling question i'm not very succicinct, and i'm not able to express it very well. this drives my husband crazy. but i've gotten to the point where i can't be bothered to even try to voice what i want or feel because i know i'm going to be told that i'm wrong. i'm at a loss. i have no idea where to go from here. i don't know what i should be doing next. i've suggested counselling once to my husband, and he was furious. i believe that i should go myself but i know that he would get very upset with that. so i really dont know where to go from here.

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