Am I Schizophrenic?Thu, Dec 14th 2000
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia about a year and a half ago. I'm seventeen and recently had a best friend with schizophrenia commit suicide. I'm debating whether there's really anything wrong with me that maybe it is all in my head. But there are many disturbing things. Maybe you could tell me if the things wrong with me I'm about to list are really symptoms of schizophrenia or if everyone is bothered the same way. I hear voices but a lot of times they sound as if it is my own conscience but says things that my mind isn't thinking. But sometimes it sounds like a person sitting next to me or somebody I know. I developed a reasonable explanation though...I believe it is Satan trying to make me go crazy and God trying to pull me the other way. IS it possible that the voices can sound like your own? Everyday I wake up seeing this very vivid horror movie in my mind of everyone I love dieing in many ways. It's terrifying! I can't stop it with any sort of powered will. I also recently developed the fear of cameras in the restrooms and even in the toilets but everyone gets paranoid. Does schizophrenia make you think that you are sick all of the time too? Also, when I look in the mirror I see pimples all over my face that are not there or I see thinning hair that does not exist. I also, sometimes, lay awake at night thinking that whenever I wake up in the morning that there will be something really wrong with my body or even missing. Also, most of the time it seems as if someone made a voodoo doll of me or Satan is trying to get me to do things unwillingly. Many times I hold me hands together to make sure I don't do what is planned for Satan or the enemy. Another thing, does schizophrenia have anything to do with social anxiety? When around anybody, I feel as though I am walking with my head tilted with everyone looking at me. Sometimes, and this has been going on since a small child, I'll be sitting and then all of a sudden my heart will start bounding and it's like a scary confusion in my head and I feel a presents like there is somebody behind me. I really feel a presents at this time! Also, many times I try to give a being important information, it seems as though it is stolen out of my mind because Satan doesn't want them to know because I am the only one whom shall know this knowledge. Another thing, does schizophrenia make you raged and get "set off" at times? I mean like so rage things are almost uncontrollable. I also feel so fucking guilty all of the time! there are times when I can't even eat in front of my parents because I feel so guilty that they bought the food and we are not even poor. If I am schizophrenic then how come there are no visual signs to people around me. My mom said that her commentary among all of this, which she doesn't really know the half of it, she thinks it is a part of growing up. I feel many times as though I can't handle society. Sorry to throw so many questions at you but I need to know answers because I don't see my doctor that much. Do you think that these symptoms are part of schizophrenia or do you think that it could be just all in my head?
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