Hi there... I have a really big problem... Occasionally when i'm drunk, I get violent with my boyfriend. We've not been back together long since it broke us up before, but on saturday I got really out of control. I dont remember any of it, but he's told me what I was saying and doing. It seems that I say anything I can to hurt him and push him away. Some of the things I say may have some truth to them, but I wouldn't dream of saying them normally, and some things I totally don't mean at all... It's like he becomes my enemy. I have no respect for him and just want to hurt him in anyway that I can... I keep telling him to go away, but in the worst way you could imagine. He loves me so much, so he wont leave, he'll just keep taking it from me. I think it lasted for 3 hours on saturday. I have never had this problem before with anyone, and i cant figure out why it happens. I have been trying to overcome some issues I have for the last 3 years, but all the various routes I have tried haven't really helped. I do need more therapy, and I was thinking about cognitive behavioural therapy, but I dont know if that would help with this problem. I know that I need to talk to someone about all of this, but I dont know who. There most definitely are underlying causes to this problem, but I cant figure it out, and having tried so many forms of therapy, I dont really want to waste time doing the wrong thing. I really need to sort this out, asap! I have never had this problem with anyone before. I really do love my boyfriend, he's amazing with my disabled son, and puts up with the roller coaster I ride with my depression, but this is too much for him to take, and I dont want it to ever happen again. I cant live with the shame I feel because of it. I dont want to hurt him, I love him.. but why do I do it to him?! If you have any advice, i'd be very very greatful.
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